sex

I was one of those girls they say doesn’t exist – I grew up wanting to be a sex worker. 

I remember watching Fievel Goes West, DYING inside to be Miss Kitty.

I remember drawing women with fishnets in the margins of my coloring books.

I remember when I received my first pair of heels, I practiced walking around my room, imagining people throwing money at my feet because I drove them mad with desire.

Whenever I played barbies – it was always an orgy under my command.

I was a bit of a powerhouse, and I ran hot.

In elementary school, I distinctly remember sitting on the monkey bars and plotting my future takeover of the neighboring high school. I eventually became class president all four years of that school, because – and I’ll admit it – I was a young, dominant woman who loved power. I loved being in charge. I was good at it. I wanted to be in charge of everything, and I was.

My power & sexuality were not well met, however. I grew up in a very conservative, very religious home. All the messages I got from church about my sexuality were that “women are to be submissive”, “women are supposed to be chaste”, “women are only to be sexual for their husbands”. It took me 25 years to undo the damage of these ideas. It’s been a long unraveling.

When I moved to New York City after college, I experimented in ways that not many ever knew about. I identify with so many of my submissives that lead secret kinky lives, because for a long time that was me, experimenting in secret. So much of my sexuality was wrapped up in guilt and shame, and I was determined to shed that shame & truly – sexually – know myself, despite the stigma. I quickly realized that I am a cuckoldress, after non-consensually cuckolding multiple ex-boyfriends (sorry, guys). I learned that I love BDSM & I am completely pansexual, after playing with HUNDREDS of people across the city.  I learned that I love to make money off of my intense sexuality, after being a sugar baby in 2010-2011 and a brief stint of cam-work in 2012. Adult work seemed like a natural fit for me, but I avoided diving into professional adult work, until 2016.

 I have a Bachelors in Acting/Directing and spent my time in NYC performing & teaching improv comedy on a professional level. I was regularly auditioning. I was helping direct/produce my friend’s plays and web series. I was performing multiple times a week. I didn’t feel adult work was an option for me at the time, because – let’s all be honest here – working in adult work carries a heavy social stigma. While I was doing professional acting work, I received so many messages that adult work is not “real” acting work. I was told that doing adult work would hurt my career. So, even though I’ve always been drawn to it, I stayed away. I kept kink as a hobby. Stupid stigma.

Then, how did I make the jump into professional FemDom camming & clip-making?

I got pregnant.

While I was bartending, acting, teaching and auditioning in NYC, I got pregnant. I was horribly in love at the time, and we both thought the everyday-hustle of living in NYC seemed impossible with a baby. So, my partner & I moved across the country, to a town more affordable. We uprooted our lives. I was unable to do the work I loved. I found myself in a city where I knew no one, with a brand new baby, severe postpartum depression, and a relationship that was falling apart fast. Difficult things happened in our relationship, but I’m not here to drag my child’s father (we’re still friends & we parent extremely well as friends), so I won’t go into detail. Let’s just say, I had to find a way to get out of the relationship, pay all my own bills, be available to take care of my child 24/7, all without a car, with total schedule flexibility, and 100% from my house. I wasn’t about to jump on to an MLM scheme. Hell no. I was falling apart from not having an artistic outlet, and my sexuality felt as if it had shriveled up into some dry, sad, unrecognizable thing. My soul needed something big, wild, sexy, and risky.

One night, I put on my favorite PVC corset, some fishnets and started my cam. I had done cam work briefly while living in  NYC when I was between bartending jobs, so I knew I could easily do it. I knew I liked it. I knew it made me feel sexy & in control. I had nothing to lose. I was a new mom on a mission to see my needs met. I truly felt like some unstoppable Mother Goddess. When my first cam work check came in the mail, and I took my baby out to eat, just me and him, it felt so good. It felt like having my cake and eating it, too. I was sold.

Every day, I was painting ( I had also started an art business a year before, selling feminist/femme-centric art online). I was being the best mother in the world. I was paying bills. I was turning into a sexual powerhouse at night while my baby slept. My life felt like it was all leading up to this reincarnation, this rebirth of myself. Stepping into adult work allowed me to make money playing my most favorite roles: Evil Queen, Scary Mommy, Wicked Stepmother, Femme Fatale, Cuckoldress Queen, Man-eater… the roles I always loved playing. I was playing them every night & getting paid well – consistently well – for them. I was my own director. I was my own editor. I was my own writer. It was 100%  my creative vision. Everything clicked for me. I realized I had tapped into the power that I had long kept in shadows. I finally started living it publicly & shamelessly.

Shortly after I started, my adult social media was forwarded to literally everyone in my phone book. The cat got out of the bag really fast. All my friends & family knew about my work. I was truly shocked at the warm reception from the vast majority of friends – “this fits you”, “this all makes sense”, “you’re my hero”, “you have the best job”. However, I have had to have hard, honest talks with some family members. Do they love my job? No. Do I care? Also no.

At the end of my coming out, all is blossoming. Everyone knows about what I do, 99% of them support me. I have a new partner who is not intimidated by my power, who loves my kinky nature, and thinks my job is the coolest. I feel I am finally living my truest self, and making money creating the art I want to create. I’m not experimenting in secret anymore. I’m not going on auditions for films/commercials I hate. I’m not waiting around for someone to offer me a money-making role anymore. I’m writing my own roles and finding my own audience. It seems they love me, they really love me, and if you ask me, I’ve “made it”.

Lastly, owning my motherhood in my clips/adult persona had been extremely empowering. There is a stigma against sexy moms. I remember when I got pregnant, it suddenly felt as if society washed away my sexuality. My body didn’t feel like my own.  Doing adult work postpartum helped me take my body back, and reclaim my sexuality in a more powerful way. Motherhood helped unlock my power, and I want the world to see how sexual, powerful, & shameless moms can be. Moms are hot. Moms deserve freedom to express their sexuality. I’m here to do that.

I’ve spent the past three years building a business I love. I may have started adult work under stressful circumstances, but this work saved me. I’m in love with the flexibility and creative freedom. (The money isn’t bad either).

Thank you all for your support. I’ll never stop. I find myself with my childhood dream job, and I hope y’all will still be watching when I’m 90.

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